Sister R. Rabinovich

The interview with drug addict

          Small tables of half-empty cafe are standing right on a sidewalk. They are darkened by the palm trees in huge pots. The street comes down to a sea. Good weather, tasty food, setting conducive to a talk.

 R.R.:   So, shall we start our interview? 

 D.A.:   O`kay. Let`s go ...

 R.R.:  Do you consider yourself as drug addict?

 D.A.:  At present yes. For a long time I thought that I would be able to quit with drugs at any moment as soon as I want.

 R.R.:  Did you want to do so?

 D.A.:  Yes, many times. But nothing came out of it.

 R.R.:  Why? Did you turn to doctors?

 D.A.:  At first, no. I was always considering myself strong, strong-willed person. I did hope to overcome that wrong habit with my own strength only. I was suffering for weeks from "breaking" and after getting better I stood up and went to look for drugs. 

R.R.:  But why did you continue to do the same after "breaking"? You have already endured the most terrible state of health.

D.A.:  No, the most terrible is not a pain, but something worse. You are feeling the lack of something. You are rushing and do not even know where to put yourself. You are thinking about one thing only. You are dreaming about it if you were lucky enough to fall asleep for a while. There is a feeling as if someone is swarming under your skull, "cockroaches have appeared on a loft".

Then, as if someone is pulling the rope, driving. And you go exactly to a place where drugs are available. Or someone is bringing them directly to your home.

After my numerous attempts to quit with drugs I`ve noticed that in such cases certain system starts to function:

1). While you experience a "breaking" - nobody is near you.
2). As soon as you start feeling easier and you will resist the desire to look for drugs, a person comes and offers them to you.
3). If you do not have the money, then drugs are offered to you to lend.
4). If you will refuse again, couriers will deliver to you free drugs of a better and best quality.
5). As soon as you will agree all the "gifts" will cease.

R.R.:   Do you know who is delivering to you these "gifts"?

D.A.:  Certainly, I know that satan does so. And he does not step back so simply.

R.R.:  He would not step back if you will  have no protection of the One who is stronger. I mean the protection of God. And how did you happen to know about satan?

D.A.:  To be sure, I know! All drug addicts know if they are not completely stupid. Someone saw demons by their own eyes. Others suspecting by observing their deeds. It is a pity that there is no literature exactly on that topic. I have read all sorts of literature, but that was not what we really need.

R.R.:   There is such a literature. First of all, the Bible and researches that help to comprehend it.

D.A.:  There were no drug addicts in Biblical times.

R.R.: But there was satan and his servants and they did not change at all hitherto. You know that the spirit of drug addiction is a servant of satan?

D.A.:  Not that I know, but more that I guess. Until I got involved with drugs I was a normal person: I did not lie (at least, not permanently), was never stealing, I knew how love and to be a friend, was occupied with music.

And now my only love and friend is a drug. I`ll do anything for it: I shall cheat, steal, commit any low action. I am thinking about it, speak about it, I see it in a dream.

I have it and it makes me feel good. But, no - it is really bad.

I can do such awful things when I need to get it that even I myself can not believe in. The supernatural power, guile, strong sensitivity are appearing. I can smell it out everywhere. I give all the money I get for it. I can turn down my meal. I`ll give away anything without regret. I can give up even my beloved person for a drug.

Yes, probably I am a fanatic. And you?

R.R.:  Can you kill someone for a drug?

D.A.:  No, I can not. But who knows ... May be I can kill myself. I hate myself. I hate drugs.

R.R.:  Right now you said that you love them.

D.A.:  I love and I hate them. I want to get rid of them and can not do it. I want to live and I want to die. I am breaking apart. I can sincerely promise to quit that bad habit, but to break my promise in a five minutes.

R.R.:  And what the experts say?

D.A.:  You know, doctors who were working in mental hospital for a long time are all a bit crazy. Madness is an infectious thing. I was thinking and understood something about the demons who are getting over from person to another person. They do it as if they are microbes. If doctors can not protect themselves then how they can help those like me?

I`ve seen demons a few times. Some medicine was given to me that made me feel very bad. I was creeping under beds. There was black moss there. I was collecting it, but it was disappearing, simply dissolving in my hands. I was tied to a bad until the effect of a "medicine" was over. Other drug addicts saw more terrible things. What these "medicines" are for and what they can cure?

Yes, doctors may not protect nor heal themselves and, certainly, us. It is possible to lighten a "breaking", to clear the blood, to treat a liver, fatten up. And that`s all. I`ve left a hospital and pricked myself the same day.

R.R.:  Why did you do that if you were not experiencing a "breaking"?

D.A.:  My body was not "breaking", but someone inside me was breaking. That entity desired drugs.

R.R.:  Did you start again?

D.A.:  Even worse than before. My dose increased more in one week as it was happening before during months. It was as I if I got away of a chain. I`ve almost died.

R.R.:  Are you having hepatitis?

D.A.:  Of course. Everyone among drug addicts has this disease. There is no need even to mention about the disposable squirts.

R.R.:  Why?

D.A.:  When you urgently need to prick yourself then you do not mind about anything else. Really, about nothing else! If an ordinary person would see how and with what do we prick ourselves sometime then he would faint.

At least, good that I am not having AIDS yet. Others already have it.

R.R.:  What other diseases do you have?

D.A.:  I do not know. I do not attend doctors by my own will unless I am taken there. Here and there I am having abscesses. I myself treat them.

There was blood poisoning once. I was saved then. There was a need in a dropper, but there were no veins. My attempts to treat myself resulted in nothing. I had to call a doctor.

Actually, you know on how drug addicts are treated in hospitals? To put it mildly - badly. As if they are condemned ones, i.e. if drug addict would not die today then he would die tomorrow, so what the purport to treat him.

R.R.: And what about your family?

D.A.: I live with my parents. For the present. I do not know how much more they can be self-restrained. My wife and son are in another town. She has left me because of a child. She does not want him to grow up in this surroundings. She does not want other children to tell him: Your father is lying there on a bench ...

Or else: If I staled something in a shop. And while I am taken to police son, his classmates and a teacher meet me on a street. What do you think?

R.R.: Do you meet with them? Do you help them?

D.A.: How can I help? Lately I went to see my son there while being very nervous. I was so upset that I was not even looking well. My wife did not let me enter the door. She said: come in a normal state or do not come either.

In the beginning we were living in love and good friendship. I understand her - she was getting married another kind of me. In the beginning she believed and held a hope in a better future. But now she has lost the faith. She is considering me as a hopeless one.

R.R.:  Do you still play music?

D.A.:  Now now. I may play a bit sometime - and that`s all. The music meant a lot for me before, since the very childhood. First time it seemed as if drugs stimulate and heighten the perception. My beloved musicians - Jimmy Hendricks, Morison, Jennies Joplin - all of them were addicted to drugs.

I was playing for many hours while been under drug ecstasy and got great satisfaction ...

Then I was playing less and less. I was feeling sometimes sick, sometimes good. Since then I understood that a drug is jealous. It can not bear no one and nothing alongside and it kills a rival. It really demands complete dedication, as it was said.

It destroyed my music. It took away my family. It liquidate my friends.It took away everything I loved and remained to rule alone.

R.R.:  You know what happened with the musicians who were using drugs? Did it frighten you or stopped?

D.A.:  Of course, I knew. These people died.

For example, "Nirvana" band ... At once, I saw how their affair will finish. Start to look over bands - almost each of them has songs about death and hell. Do you think they do not know where they go? Let`s do not start the discussion about that now.

R.R.:   Are you afraid of hell?

D.A.:  Yes! I do, but I am trying not to think about it. Look how splendid is this evening. May be I shall live some more ...

Let me say why all those guys died one after another. There should be only one Master. But they had two. It is a jealousy of a demon of drug addiction who does not tolerate someone alongside. Even if he did not succeed to kill a music itself then he has killed musicians.

R.R.:  This is your opinion. I think that everything is much complicated.

D.A.:  May be. But take a look at drug addicts. They look like brothers and sisters. I can easily identify my folks in any croud regardless of his clothing and disguise.

R.R.:  Bible says that you resemble the one whom you worship.

D.A.:   Drug addict resembles his master? May be. Once I`ve got sick with influenza. I had heightened temperature. Drugs finished. I was laying motionless and could not get up. And none took care about me. There is no friendship among the drug addicts. We already talked about that.

How sick I was! I was throwing up and even defecated. I crawled to a bathroom. I was sweaty and foul as a dog.

Accidentally I threw a glance at a mirror and found the Death there looking at me.

This was not me, but someone inside me looked out. And this one was detestable and weird.

R.R.:  Why you still continue to serve him if you have seen it?

D.A.:  And what do I have to do? Do I have a choice?

R.R.:  Yes, you have it for the time being. I think that you understood this already.

D.A.:  Only God and miracle remain. The rest I`ve already tested. At first, parents had a hope that I may be rescued. They wasted a lot of money on various alternative and customary medicine. I was taken to witch-doctors. I was feeling even worse after that. Then all the programs followed. Probably, you know ... All kinds of psychologists and talks ...

You know, I do not even want to remember about that. When you talk with these experts they explain to you all well and nice. They may say to you about some positive results. I did not see them personally. 

Even when drug addicts quit with drugs they change their previous addiction for an alcohol and ruin themselves with drink. Or they are having mental problems.

Non-traditional medicine even worse than a customary one. One my friend was encoded. He has pricked himself and died right away, in front of my eyes. His ears became black.

R.R.:  Do you know why all of that does not bring any result?

D.A.:  It is possible to say that I know. Does devil afraid the pills? This sickness is not in the body, but in the soul. And this is not even sickness, but something else. Satan fears God only, so there is a need to turn to God for a help.

R.R.: You are absolutely right. Only God is able to deliver you.

D.A.:  I want, but I can not. You know, the pride prevented me to say this and now, probably, an end has come. I can not do it myself, I need help. There has to be a help center which you want to establish. It may help me also. I want to leave this world and hide. May others decide for me. I want people to be near, people willing and able to understand. I want them to see an individual in me, living creature waiting for help, but not drug addict.

One my former friend told me - you are like an astronaut, like a stranger on another planet. You all the time afraid that an oxygen will be over in your space-suit and you will suffocate. 

Drugs is my oxygen. And I want to take this space-suit off because there, inside, I am, similar with you, and not to with the monster from another planet. And I want to breathe by the same air with you.

You know, I gaze at dog, cat and envy them. They are not experiencing a "breaking" and they do not need a dose of drugs. They are loved, treated well. I agree to be a dog. Or, I gaze - an ugly person is coming, but he is healthy, firmly sets feet on a land. And I think - may I be like him but not drug addict. I envy, envy everyone, especially to you. I envy these waiters. Look, how do they cast a sidelong look at me. They`ve understood on who am I. They are keeping an eye that I may not steal something. I hate such fattened and self-satisfied people.

R.R.:  Have you notice that your pronouncements are contradictory, often mutually expelling.

D.A.:  Yes? It is because I am answering honestly. I know which views should normal people have. But in my case everything is vice-versa, and I say what I think. Not always. Today.

R.R.:  Do you contradict yourself in your own thoughts?

D.A.:  I do to myself or someone else who is inside me. There are, at least, two of us or even more there. And everyone in correct in his own way.

R.R.:  How will you define on "who" is good or bad?

D.A.:  Bad. There is not someone who is worse. I would prefer to remain alone. Is it possible?

R.R.: No.

D.A.:  I though so too.

R.R.:  But you can change your companion. Holy Spirit is the best company in the world. If Jesus will live inside you, in your heart, then there would be no place for demons.

You have to pray the repentance prayer for that. Did you ever pray?

D.A.:  Yes, I`ve tried to pray when I was dying. And recently. I said: God, if you exist and hear me then do something with me or kill or deliver from drugs. I can not live like that anymore.

R.R.:  God has heard you.

D.A.:  I know. We`ve met not accidentally.

R.R.:   My first prayer was almost the same. Then the miracle has happened. The Lord has delivered me from drugs.

D.A.:  You? Do not lie! I wanted to say: It is impossible.

R.R.:  What, does not look alike? Very first several years features of drug addicts were remaining but all was gone then. Remember - you resemble the one whom you worship. I worship God. To serve Him is the best that might be possible.

If you would like, I shall introduce you with believers which were delivered from drug addiction, alcohol and many other kinds of slavery by God.

D.A.:  Would they like to meet me?

R.R.:   Of course, they would be glad to help you.

D.A.:  Come on! Open your center as soon as possible. Just do not call it the "rehabilitation" one. I would not like to be rehabilitated. The person who came once to drugs, former me, does not suit me. He is not of great vitality. If I ever decide to die with Christ then I want to revive as completely new and different person. May it be the center of revival or transformation.

R.R.:   The old passed away, everything is new - says the Lord.

D.A.:  Write these words on your doors. You know, I shall pray your prayer without fail, but not now. So, we shall separate for now and I shall return to a place where I came from. You can not go with me nor I with you. I shall remain alone again. But I am not confident in myself.

To repent before God is not the same as to do it in relation to people. You can not trick Him nor to hide from Him. I was pricking myself in a toilet and then was accusing my wife in the lack of trust. He sees everything anyway. Is it true?

R.R.:   True.

D.A.:   Does He know what I am thinking now?

R.R.:   Knows.

D.A.:  It means that he will have pity on me. Inside myself I tell that I am drug addict and a terrible sinner, that I`ve done a lot of evil to people who loved me, that I`ve done a lot of damage to myself, but I do not wish to be such kind of person any longer. I really want the old man inside me to die and a new man to be born. I can even become a person and to do something good in the life if He will help and forgive me.

R.R.:   So, now you have said all of that aloud. Amen.

D.A.:   Do you think that it is taken into consideration? I was not going to say this, at least, not today ...

R.R.:  Did you get ready to go and prick yourself? Do not do it! Do not go there!

D.A.:  It will be hard for you with us. There will be tortures for you.

R.R.:  We have hope in God. Nothing will come out without him.
            If we fulfill His will - He is with us. I believe that the help to needy is the will of God.
            Listen, choose the life, finally - you ought to live or to die. Stop to rush from one side to another, from God to Satan.
            Is not eternal life better than a hell?
            Is not health better than a sickness?
            Is not freedom better than a prison?

He looked around. The colored torches of numerous cafes has been already sparked. The sea already plunged in the darkness. And only remote ships were shining on a raid. The heat went down and a chilly breeze had the smell of flowers. Cafe was filled up with people: families with children, numerous companies were clamoring and laughing in the foretaste of abundant supper.

D.A.:  Probably, I shall choose the life. Why not! Do you think it will result?

R.R.:  With God it will, certainly, have the result!

We say goodbye. I look on how he leaves and my heart is clenching in alarm.

Lord, save, protect, bless. Help, o Lord! All the hope is in you!

God has given me another priceless day of life, the day of freedom. Thanks to Him! It is necessary to give the needy what He has given me gratis. Come and take. Do not be late. It is enough for everyone. And something remain for me also. Amen.

main page